Help Wanted: Christmas Consultant
By: Mick, December 5th, 2006
We are now comfortably into December and the holiday season is in full swing. Despite this, I can’t help but feel as though it is still sometime in mid-October and I can’t seem to figure out where the time has gone. Thanksgiving was a blur and Halloween feels more like Halloween circa 2004. That said, the countless decorations in my neighborhood and the incessant Christmas music on the radio remind me daily that Christmas is rapidly approaching yet again. And before I create the wrong impression, I’d like to state that I like Christmas and I typically enjoy the holiday season in general. But I’m in the unique situation of being married to an elementary school teacher who is as passionate about Christmas as the third graders that she teaches everyday. And while I completely understand why she feels this way – she’s surrounded by many kids whose world revolves around Christmas for months and she gets an extended paid vacation every year at that time – it’s very difficult to match that level of enthusiasm. Inevitably, I get labeled as a scrooge. Truth be told, I am a scrooge relative to her Joy to the World approach to the season. And while the underlying principles of Christmas and the holiday season include celebrating family and friends, giving of ourselves, and embracing all humanity, there is another side of Christmas – the commercial side – that requires high levels of energy and cash if you’re going to participate. And I’m not talking about the gift-buying, which is definitely the most expensive aspect of the season. I’m talking more about the tree, the decorations, and the numerous other “goings on” that let everyone else know exactly how much you are truly investing into the Christmas season.
I spent the better part of yesterday afternoon shopping for the perfect Christmas tree. In case you’re wondering, the perfect tree is just a little too big for whatever room you’re putting it in. And the perfect spot for the perfect tree is always at least two moves away from where you originally set it up. This being my first live-tree purchase, I have to admit it was pretty interesting. The third tree vendor we visited had a great little set-up in a grass lot near the local firehouse — a few dozen trees, a makeshift office in a small trailer, and several workers carrying, wrapping, trimming and tying down trees for customers. The tree vendors are everywhere this time of year, but this particular vendor had a much more advanced operation than the previous two we had visited. He even took credit cards, which was nice. After the tree was bought and strapped to the roof, we were on our way to Target to fight the crowds for some lights to decorate our new houseplant.
Fortunately, I talked Allison into dropping me and the tree off at our house while she went shopping for the tree lights and various other decorative sundries. That allowed me some alone time with the tree to cut off the lower branches and introduce it to the dogs. I was also excited about putting together the tree stand, which the tree vendor had assured me was “the best one on the market.” No doubt. Whether it’s the best or not, I’ll never know, but it was more than good enough and seemed to be better than the awkward and heavy wrought-iron jobs that the other vendors were offering. A mere 20 minutes after dragging it into the house, the tree was up and watered and beginning its settling process, which I was told will take a few days. Shortly after that, Allison returned from Target with 3 boxes of heavy duty indoor/outdoor lights, which may prove to be too much “duty” for the tree (these lights are pretty big). We’ll find out on Wednesday night whether they will work for our lighting needs.
Speaking of lights, I’ve got a few boxes of the outdoor lights ready to highlight the frame of the exterior of our humble abode in the coming weeks. I prefer to wait until we have had our first freezing precipitation of the season so that the roof is as dangerous as possible to stand on. As far as I’m concerned, clipping lights under the Gutter Guard while leaning off the roof is at least as much of a Christmas tradition as eggnog or caroling. I don’t go overboard with the lights, just a “tasteful” framing of the front of the house and garage. But it doesn’t change the fact that it will probably take a few hours and the chance of moderate-to-severe injury is always present.
As I move through these rituals and try to manage my time amongst them and the dozen or so holiday parties that are scheduled over a two-week period, I can’t help but wonder how much I would be willing to pay someone to perform the duties of what I’ll call a Christmas Consultant. Nothing outrageous…perhaps take care of the tree and the decorations (both set-up and take down) and possibly act as my proxy for some of the less-than-desirable holiday social obligations. Clearly, that last part is impossible, but tree and decoration management services could be a legitimate offering. Maybe this year I stay simple with the Rudolph Package – 1 tree delivered, set up, and fully lit (single color) and a nice outdoor light display (no more than 3 lengths of lights). Then next year, the Abominable Snowman Package – the full tree deal, train garden, strategic indoor lighting, and an expansive outdoor light display, complete with inflatable snow globe and life-size nativity scene. I know I’m not the only person that would consider this kind of service and a shrewd entrepreneur could probably lock up a sizable stable of clients simply by playing “competitive neighbors” off of one another. It only takes one Clark W. Griswold to create a hotbed of Christmas Consulting opportunities.
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